Make Yourself a Superhero…kind of.

It’s lesson number one in Bruce Wayne’s Facts of Life: Being a moneybags is only awesome if you turn your cash into aerodynamic outfits and total reckless abandon. Or, at the very least, scary outfits and total idiocy. Your choice.

The Mission

Winning a lot of money gambling in Vegas grants you some inalienable rights, one of which is your right to perform death-defying stunts without the requisite training and practice. You can do this because you can afford awesome equipment. Case in point is the BASE jumper’s wingsuit, the funny-looking contraption/garment that turns you into a flying squirrel. If you idolized Tanooki Suit Mario or Tails from Sonic as a kid, this is how you blow your spoils. Mind you, you might need to execute some financial maneuvers before you start gamboling off of tower rooftops. A proper wingsuit, the kind that turns you into an airborne neon superhero, costs around $1500. That’s chump change after you’ve outfoxed the whole World Poker Tour, but there’s a chance that you might need to bribe some BASE-friendly folks in order to procure references. Apparently the BASE community won’t sell equipment to any odd geezer with a million bones, on the chance that he might…die.

Unpleasantness aside, Vegas is prime territory for your transformation into Flying Squirrel Man. BASE is an acronym for Building Antenna Span Earth, so you should feel perfectly comfortable jumping off of Vegas’ Stratosphere Tower. It’s kind of a building and an antenna in one, after all. Even better, throw yourself off the Bellagio and land neatly on the ground in front of the poor bastards you just owned at poker. Refer to this instructional video for reassurance:

Difficulty: Proper difficult. Requires ingenuity, agility, proper scouting, balls of steel.

Legality: Iffy. You may or may not be considered a trespasser on certain rooftops and towers, and some people may want to arrest you upon your landing. But whatever, you can bail yourself out. Jail is the cherry on top of your BASE jumping sundae.

Cost: The wingsuit’s not going to break your new budget, but the legal fees and hospital bills might accumulate. You’d also do well to hire a film crew and a swift, nondescript getaway vehicle. Just sayin’.

Storybook Quality: Pretty much the most awe-inspiring episode of your life, even if you’re, like, a former P.O.W. and a presidential hopeful.

The Alternative

You and your friends hit up the Army-Navy and get some Ghillie suits. Those are the detritus-covered numbers that make you look like a boogey man. Use them to scare children, hide in the Rainforest Café, conjure up ‘Nam for some vets. Just make sure you go a little bigger than this young man:

Difficulty: Easy if you’re shameless.

Legality: Again, some people may want to arrest you, depending on your level of commitment.

Cost: Ghillie suits run about $150, and the Rainforest Café is a moderately priced eatery.

Storybook Quality: You can tell the story to your friends between bong rips, but you probably won’t regale your grandson with it. It’s kind of like the time I almost hit a steer on the highway.

Make Elvis Live…for a little bit.

Vegas is Vegas as we know it because it’s the King’s Vegas. You’re only experiencing the real Vegas if you have a run-in with Elvis himself. Why not orchestrate the best damn Elvis fiasco that Vegas ever saw? Vegas Elvis Vegas Vegas.

The Mission

Imagine you just won a lot of money. You want to throw the best party you possibly can, and your newly acquired budget and devil-may-care attitude afford you so, so many options. But crap! All the bands for hire in your town are shitty, and the only DJ plays that mid-noughties version of the Electric Slide in which the emcee barks instructions over a spare beat…it’s all too much to take.

You’d never run into this problem if your town had a top-notch Elvis Impersonator. Someone, say, like Eddie “E” Powers, the Best Elvis in Vegas. While Eddie’s used to putting on his Elvis suit for weddings and other formal gatherings, he might just lower his standards to accommodate your moneyed self and your scummy friends. A word to the wise: before approaching the Elvis of your choice, assess your budget and the extent of your depravity. What kinds of activities would you and your friends like to do with your Elvis? These are the questions I posed to Eddie:

-  Say I just won a ton of money gambling. How much would it cost to hire you as a personal entertainer for an evening, to follow my friends and me around Vegas and sing Elvis songs to us? I’d be willing to pay extra if you’d rock an acoustic guitar.

-  Have you ever performed in tandem with other Elvises? Could I hire you to front a parade of Elvises to, say, walk the strip for an hour singing Elvis songs? I think this would be a really cool spectacle for tourists and a great way to blow my winnings.

-  Apparently, when people win money in Vegas, they like to go shoot guns. Would you, in theory, participate in a fully protected Duel of the Elvises? Again, remember that our theoretical budget is limitless, and that shooting another Elvis would likely make you an international YouTube superstar.

Eddie’s kind and succinct reply informed me that he’d charge $2000 to be my “personal entertainer,” $1000 to parade the strip helming an Elvis swarm, and $3000 for “shooting another Elvis while being fully protected.” He also closed his e-mail with a characteristic and satisfying “Thank you, thank you very much.” Awesome.

Difficulty: Moderate. Involves planning, access to internet. May involve coordinating some Elvis transportation. May also involve fielding some Elvis enthusiasts, hangers-on, nosy inquirers. But, quoth the King himself, “”Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand prosperity, there are a hundred that will stand adversity.”

Legality: You’re pretty much straight. Just make sure the firearms stay at the gun range and the Elvises are Kevlar’d out.

Cost: Eddie laid it all out for you. Now you just have to deal with your respective vendors, like the gun people. I hear tell that a few rounds with an automatic weapon cost about $100, so who the hell knows what they’ll charge for the Duel of the Elvises. You never know, though, they might be well into it.

Storybook Quality: Imagine the sweet smell of your YouTube video hitting all the front pages, all the major news outlets. This one’s for the ages.

The Alternative

Hellvis costume.

Difficulty: Really, it can’t be that hard to find a damn devil Elvis jumpsuit at a novelty shop in Las Vegas. Easy.

Legality: Perfectly legal, unless you let Hellvis go to your head. Once that happens, I pity the poor civil servant who has to arrest you.

Cost: Like 35 bucks. Negligible. You could even buy a fleet of them for your friends if that’s what you’re into.

Storybook Quality: Very little to speak of. Pretty much any story that begins with “Dude, remember the time we bought those Elvis costumes…” is bound for dismissal.

Become a Circus Freak…temporarily.

Say you went to Vegas and won a ton of money, but didn’t see anything particularly astounding because you were cloistered in poker rooms. What to do, then, but take the advice of Paul McCartney’s Grandfather in A Hard Day’s Night and go out “Parading the streets! Trailing your coat! Bowling along! Living!” Now that you’re in the money, you’re best off parading as some sort of ostentatious circus freak. It makes sense.

The Mission

Unless you’re into serious body modification and secretly lust after Gob Bluth-style fire implants, temporary freakdom is the way to go. With your newfound financial freedom, you can become a wicked Vegas snake man. Here’s the breakdown of what you’ll need:

-  One Male Lavender Albino Reticulated Python, easily obtainable from Vegas’ exotic pet boutique. Cost: $800

-  One Proven Adult Male Albino Ball Python, available at same boutique. Cost: $1200

*Note: I advise fashioning one snake into a turban atop your head while necklacing the other, Slash-style.

-  One Vertu Signature Cobra luxury mobile phone, diamond encrusted and purple-bejeweled with a lovely Cobra likeness. Cost: $310,000

-  One pair Gucci Snakeskin Boots from Gucci at the Bellagio. Cost: $2000

-  One Dodge Viper, that sports car named after a snake. Available at a Dodge dealership. Cost: $100,000, more or less. Hey, your car costs less than your cell phone! Cool!

-  One Parker Fly Mojo Guitar with snakeskin decoration. Call up the Vegas Guitar Center and bitch until they find you one. It might be a little difficult since there are only 50 in existence, but imagine how sweet it’ll look slung across your back. Every snake man needs his axe. Cost: EBay says it’s going for $5000, but I suspect your guitar salesman might tack on some fees for his trouble.

-  One pair reptilian contact lenses. You’re not a circus freak until it’s impossible to look you in the eye. Cost: $200

Difficulty: Not in the same vein as BASE jumping, but still really difficult, if only because it entails commitment to a very singular (reptilian) cause.

Legality: No one’s going to stop you.

Cost: Let’s see. Our itemized list adds up to $419,200. That’s a lot of money.

Storybook Quality: Um, only really valid if you’re writing the creepiest storybook ever.

The Alternative

Ever heard of Ron Bauer’s Private Studies? Do a little background research because this stuff is really weird. Ron Bauer’s magic card tricks have scary, explicit names and really vague descriptions. Through Bauer’s tutelage, you can master illusions like “Don Alan’s Sneaky Nudist Rides Again” and “Tony Chaudhuri’s Feminine Side.” From what I glean, “Nudist” apparently entails using a blank deck of cards, while “Feminine Side” is all about mortifying some dude for picking those fey red suits over the macho black ones. Bauer’s instruction packets are available at Houdini’s Magic Shop at the MGM Grand, which also sells strokes of pure genius like The Exploding Sex Report and the Jango Fett mask. In theory, you can become Vegas’ first Intergalactic Bounty Hunter/Street Illusionist. Or you can be kind of like this guy:

Difficulty: In fairness to Mr. Bauer, I haven’t attempted any of his methods. In fairness to David Blaine, his job could be really hard.

Legality: Just don’t be too pushy with the tourists. They’ve been warned about the likes of you.

Cost: The Private Studies cost between $10 and $12, while the Jango Fett mask is around $50.

Storybook Quality: Really, it all depends on your retention abilities. If you remember how to perform “Don Alan’s Sneaky Nudist Rides Again,” you can do it for your grandchildren. Maybe. So long as it’s not as nasty as it sounds.

Become a Spaceman…without leaving the Earth.

One time a homeless guy told me a funny joke for some money. He said, “What do you do if you see a spaceman?” “I don’t know,” I replied. He said, “You park, man.” In the spirit of this joke, the mission to become a spaceman has two distinct parts. The first is the expensive, Stephen Hawking-endorsed zero gravity experience, and the second is a little more interesting. Let’s take a look.

The Mission

Book a Zero Gravity Platinum Experience. You’ll get to float around, and you’ll also get a customized suit and some champagne. Zero G’s website offers some compelling insights: whilst floating, you can expect to, “see two teenagers playing catch with their father – yes, he’s the ball,” and you can also, “drink a bubble of water floating by you.” If these reports are any indication, then zero gravity is the grossest, most surreal experience you can ever hope to have in or out of Vegas. Just look at the Institutional Video:

That’s really cool and all, but it’s just a prelude to your real spaceman adventure. You know those Area 51 tours? Well, outside of Vegas there’s this road affectionately termed the “Extraterrestrial Highway,” mostly because it runs through all those desert towns full of UFO-spotting crazies and into the belly of the beast, the grounds of Area 51. The tours that run through the area are big on speculation and all-caps angry questions, like “IF THERE ARE NO ALIENS, WHY ARE THERE MEN IN BLACK PROTECTING THE PERIMETER [of Area 51]?” You can go on one of these for a good laugh, or you can be enterprising and create your own tour with your riches. Review some maps, rent a stretch Hummer, and hire this guy as your guide:

As you’ve gathered from the video, that’s Prophet Yahweh. He summons UFOs using passages from the Hebrew text of the Bible. He also thinks Prophet is his first name and not a title, like it’s akin to “Jim” rather than “Mr.” On a website advertising his spiritual guidance, there’s a headline asking if you’re “Looking for Prophet’s UFO site,” which is like the same as asking if you’re looking for Arnold’s Diner. As you might expect, Prophet is a controversial figure, an internet impresario, and a bit of a YouTube superstar. There are as many sites debunking his spiritual and UFO-seekin’ practices as there are sites advertising his services. He’s the perfect addition to your amateur spaceman operation, and I’m sure he won’t piss off the Men in Black when he starts chanting in their jurisdiction.

Difficulty: Okay, so I didn’t contact Prophet Yahweh. Whatever, that’s on you. I’ll classify this one as moderate, considering the guy is probably skint and looking for your millions. The spiritual advisor game isn’t as lucrative as it used to be.

Legality: The Men in Black are authorized to shoot to kill.

Cost: The Zero G Platinum Experience costs $8900, the Hummer rental is around $180 an hour, and Prophet Yahweh is a mystery. You could mitigate the cost by making some leaflets and taking along some tourists. Better yet, set up a website. You could parlay it into a career.

Storybook Quality: The Zero G drew the likes of Dr. Hawking, and Prophet Yahweh has been on the news. Assuming nothing really weird happens, you’ll tell the story for a good long while. However, considering the wholly strange variables, there’s a chance it could all take a turn for the legendary. Unless the Men in Black use that memory-eraser thing on you.

The Alternative

Put on your “E pluribus modem” t-shirt, eat your continental breakfast, and hit up Star Trek: The Experience. Engage in “4D” activities with Borgs and Klingons, get sloppy on the rum-filled “Warp Core Breach,” and purchase your own stuffed Tribble. If you’re skeptical, just listen to Krum:

Difficulty: Easy, warm, and friendly, like taking a nap.

Legality: I can’t attest to what will happen to you inside the Klingon Encounter. Dudes are litigious.

Cost: 45 bones for the full ride, but you can bet you’ll go home satisfied.

Storybook Quality: When I told my mom about this one, she was all, “now you’re speaking my language.” That means that you can tell your Chem teacher all about it when you get home and she’ll eat it up.

These adventures are much easier to afford when you are saving money on your hotel accommodations.  Hotels Cheap is your source for great deals on Vegas hotels.

It’s often hailed as a playground for grown-ups, but Sin City contains some hidden gems that engage the whole family. From educational museums to dizzying rides, these attractions are the closest Las Vegas comes to Disney without actually replacing Elvis with the Mouse.  And everything is conveniently within a vicinity from McCarran International Airport.

The Obvious Choice: Circus Circus

Circus Circus is impossible to miss, what with its neon clown signage and big top design. Inside the structure lie “Five Acres of Indoor Fun,” including a crowd-pleasing Marvin the Martian 3D spectacular. What’s even more enticing is the fact that an all-day pass to the Adventuredome’s rides is only $14.95 for the juniors. While many of the attractions better suit bigger kids with stomachs of steel, little ones can still ride the Merry-Go-Round and Frog Hopper.

Kid-Friendly Restaurant: GameWorks

The result of a partnership between Steven Spielberg and Sega, GameWorks is like a high-tech Chuck E. Cheese for the advanced kid. It’s housed conveniently on the Strip, next to the MGM Grand, and adults can entertain themselves at the chain’s well-stocked bars and pool tables. Really, anywhere that features both House of the Dead 4 and “Xtreme Nachos” is bound to be a big hit with the whole family.

Let Them Eat Sweets: Ethel M.’s Chocolate Factory

The perfect stop on your way from the Strip to the Hoover Dam is Ethel M.’s, a Vegas mainstay that offers free self-guided tours. Kids will enjoy watching all the Wonka-esque factory processes as much as the resultant treats, and parents will appreciate the sculptural chocolate displays and gourmet samplers. To burn off all the sweet stuff, take a walk through Ethel’s adjacent Botanical Gardens.

Weird Science: the Lied Discovery Children’s Museum

This innovative museum promises to school your offspring in the fields of “arts, sciences, nature, music and humanities” while simultaneously entertaining them through interactive and engaging displays. Featuring such diverse holdings as a full-size Clifford the Big Red Dog and a hands-on exploration of the lives of refugee children, Lied promotes fun and cultural awareness in equal measure. It’s the perfect place to pass a particularly hot afternoon and is consistently named one of Vegas’ best attractions.

Family Nightlife: the World’s Greatest Magic Show

Cirque du Soleil may hold a virtual monopoly on compelling casino shows, but its performances might prove a little explicit and strange for the younger crowd. Kids are better off at the Greek Isles Hotel and Casino, where the family-friendly magicians’ showcase takes place every evening at 7 p.m. A rotating cast of magicians assure that no one gets bored. The clincher for parents: admission to the show is free for kids under 12.

Looking for great rates at family hotels in Las Vegas?  Don’t miss the discounts at Hotels Cheap!

Stay in a Vintage Hotel: the Riviera

The Strip’s most authentic vintage hotel has been around since 1955, formerly hosting the likes of the Rat Pack. In fact, it was so popular with the crowd that Dean Martin was once its partial owner and it appeared in original Ocean’s Eleven. The Riv’s register of in-house entertainment includes a burlesque revue and a small comedy club, both of which bolster its traditional Vegas vibe. A stronghold on the Strip, the Riviera is a rare successful meld of classic atmosphere and new Vegas glitz.

Get Outfitted: Valentino’s Zootsuit Connection

Valentino’s offers Vegas’ most comprehensive vintage clothing collection, notably including, as its name states, a lot of Zootsuits. If you’re reaching for the bona fide, this is the place to find it. A fine trilby hat will serve you well if you’re not in the market for a full-on suit, though Valentino’s assortment may inspire you to boldness. Pick up a classic fleck blazer and a fedora for the poker rooms or a pinstriped number for a night out. When in Vegas, ask “why not?”

See the City’s Oldest Landmarks: the Neon Boneyard

Vegas’ Neon Museum is dedicated to the cause of preserving the city’s once-futuristic scene, housing over 150 signs and related relics of the bygone aesthetic. Its limited outdoor walking tour is open 24-hours a day to visitors of downtown Vegas’ Fremont Street Experience, but its more extensive guided tour requires an advance appointment. The Populuxe mementos preserved in the Boneyard include icons like the Hacienda Horse and Rider and Aladdin’s lamp, and they’ll all make for some stunning trip photography.

Eat (and Drink) in Classic Style: Napoleon’s at the Paris

Though its designers intended to conjure a distinctly French vibe, Napoleon’s is equally Old Vegas. Its leather furnishings, scotch selection, and cigar lounges make it an ideal evening destination for anyone who doesn’t want to brave the Strip’s dancing throngs. Vegas’ classiest joint also hosts nightly jazz, an impressive menu, and more champagne than the whole of France. As an alternative, try it for champagne brunch.

See the Icons Themselves: the Plaza’s Rat Pack Experience

The Plaza’s comedic spectacular approximates Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., and Dean Martin et al. in their traditional environs. The performers render the Pack’s most celebrated songs with the help of an orchestra and with special guests like Marilyn Monroe. What’s more, the Plaza’s downtown Vegas location will draw you off the Strip and into the original Sin City. Be sure to wander Fremont Street’s neon promenade while you’re there.

Vintage Vegas should certainly include a cheap hotel room along the strip, but you will find no better hotel deals than here.

If you are going to Las Vegas to gamble, you don’t want to waste your money on things you don’t need. Here are some terrific ways to save money while in Las Vegas.

Go during the week
Every day of the year is busy in Las Vegas. However, you will find hotel rates and airfare more expensive on weekends, around holidays, during spring break, and at times of major Las Vegas conferences. Therefore, try to avoid these times and stay during the weekdays, if possible.

Look for hotel promotions
You can often get cheaper hotel rates online or by booking your airfare and hotel combined in a package deal. If staying at the center of the Las Vegas Strip isn’t vital, choose a hotel off the strip or stay toward the North end. The casinos on the North end of the Strip, such as Circus Circus, Stratosphere and the Riviera are usually cheaper than the others.

Don’t rent a car
The Strip is so crowded that it’s a pain to drive yourself. Instead use a taxi, bus, monorail or even walk from casino to casino. Walking will allow you to see the sites and get some exercise. And it doesn’t cost a penny.

Skip the shows
These performances can cost upwards of $100 per person. So if you aren’t dying to go, just skip it altogether.

Skip the nightclubs
Don’t waste money on overpriced drinks and cover charges at a posh Vegas nightclub. If you want to have a drink, most beverages are free while you are gambling, or you can have an inexpensive drink in a small hotel lounge.

Use coupons
Look around for 2-for-1 buffet coupons, $1 hotdogs, free slot machine pulls and other coupon specials. Most hotels provide a coupon book when you check in. You can also find coupons in pamphlets, magazines and online.

Click here for the best rates and availability on Las Vegas hotels, or anywhere.

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Las Vegas, more than any other tourist destination, is continuously changing. New hotels are added as older hotels are torn down. New shows, restaurants, attractions, and shops pop up on a regular basis all around town. Among the newest developments are:

1. Harrah’s Entertainment, the company that owns and operates six Las Vegas casinos, including Caesar’s and Paris Las Vegas, has announced plans to built a 20,000-seat, $500 million dollar sports/concert arena on the Las Vegas Strip. Harrah’s is betting that the state-of-the-art facility, which will be completed in 2010, will attract a professional sports franchise to the city.
2. New York City Barbecue joint, RUB (Righteous Urban Barbecue) will open this fall inside the Rio All-Suites Hotel & Casino, just off of the Strip. The 9,000-square foot restaurant will serve lunch and dinner and feature standard dishes, such as ribs prepared St. Louis style, barbecued sausage, and slow-roasted pastrami.
3. Comedian Wayne Brady, best known as a regular on Drew Carey’s “Whose Line is it Anyway?” TV show is now a permanent headliner at the Venetian Resort-Hotel-Casino. His improvisation show, “Making It Up” will run through mid-2008.

To enjoy these activitiess even more, book your cheap Las Vegas hotels at Hotels Cheap.

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New Resort – The Palazzo Resort, a 3025-room sister resort to the Venetian, is set to open adjacent to the Treasure Island Resort in fall of 2007. The Palazzo will feature a 50-story hotel, a 60-foot glassed-dome entrance and lobby, and multiple two-story fountains.

New Attraction — The Springs Preserve, located just 2.5 miles from the Strip, is an interactive living museum about the history of Las Vegas and the surrounding area. Opened in June of 2007, the site features 2.5 miles of hiking trails, a botanical garden, exhibits about Las Vegas’ first inhabitants, and an open-air amphitheater.

New Show — The Tony-award winning musical, Spamalot, opened at the Wynn Las Vegas on March 31, 2007. The show is performed in the resort’s former “Broadway Theater,” now renamed the “Grail Theater.” Spamalot won three Tonys in 2005, including Best Musical. The Las Vegas production stars John O’Hurley of Seinfeld and Dancing with the Stars fame. Spamalot is schedule to run through 2007.

Click here to check on Vegas hotels on the Strip, near the airport, at the convention center, or anywhere else. 

(photo credit: Flickr user: fusionpanda/cc license)

With hotel deals as low as $39 a night, you an stay the the heart of the Vegas strip. With thousands of hotel rooms in Las Vegas, hotels are eager to fill the rooms, even at steep discounts. Airfares are also competitive to this area and many carriers will offer steep discounted fares, especially in the summer season. Budget entertainment and dining options are found throughout Las Vegas, the city famous for 99 cent buffets and steak dinners for $2.99. Eat, shop and play in this fabulous city – but do it on a budget!

Once in Vegas you can find discount coupons for dining, entertainment and even shopping at also every location on the strip. Have a fabulous summer vacation in Las Vegas – just spend less on your travel (and have more $$ for the casino).

Check out Las Vegas flights with discount airlines such as Southwest or Jet Blue.

Research discounted Las Vegas hotel deals at Hotels Cheap.

(cc: photo credit: Rusty Russ)