Miami’s Best B-Movies
Remember how they remade Miami Vice into a would-be blockbuster starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx? Whatever, it’s probably not that good, and it’s definitely an anachronism. These late-twentieth century masterpieces represent the heyday of Miami cinema, when it was all about pastel excess, conspiracies, and explosions.
6. The Specialist, 1994
b>IMDB Tagline: “The government taught him to kill. Now he’s using his skills to help a woman seek revenge against the Miami underworld.”
Post-roid Stallone stars as Ray Quick, a CIA explosives expert tasked with the impossibly awesome feat of blowing up a drug lord. His partner in the operation, portrayed by wily James Woods, undermines Ray by going through with the mission after the pair discover a little girl in the drug lord’s car. The little girl explodes, disillusioning poor Ray, who leaves the agency for freelance work in sunny Miami. He remedies his former partner’s ills by never making a mistake when blowing people up for money. Seriously. Look at how localized and precise this explosion is:
Along the line, he meets the severely wronged Sharon Stone, whose character is unfortunately named May. May’s parents were murdered by a Miami drug lord and, as deus would have it, James Woods happens to be working for the very same drug lord. Ray and May fall in love whilst trying to bring down the baddies, there’s a bit of a double cross, and in the end they manage to exact vengeance on that bastard James Woods.
Bonus: reportedly inspired Interpol’s kick-ass song of the same name.
Reenact Your Favorite Moments: It’s bound to be fairly tame, since drug lords are really the only dudes you can explode without fear of legal reproach. Now, don’t get any ideas, because you’re not an expert, and Dimebag Dan down the street is not on any federal want lists. Either you can sit by the Venetian Pool stroking a tennis racket, or you can take a more active, altruistic approach:
Ride around on public transportation, “taking out the trash” Sly-style. The city of Miami will either thank you or incarcerate you, depending on your character and salesmanship.
5. Striptease, 1996
IMDB Tagline: “Some People Get Into Trouble No Matter What They WEAR.”
This movie sucks. In its defense (sort of), it’s reportedly less-than-faithfully adapted from a wildly successful comedic novel, dumbed down for the movie-going audience. Fortunately, it’s peppered with sleaze and Burt Reynolds, who plays a corrupt and murderous politician. Demi Moore plays a troubled heroine, who, despite her steady job and government salary somehow loses custody of her child (portrayed by biological daughter Rumer Willis) to her wheelchair thief ex-husband. That isn’t a strange euphemism; the guy actually steals wheelchairs and sells them, kind of like Bubbles and shopping carts on “Trailer Park Boys.”
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
And, finally, Exhibit C:
To get her kid back from that guy, Moore’s character takes a job at a strip club with the unbelievably evocative moniker “Eager Beaver.” Because this is a Miami B-movie, she finds herself embroiled in a far-reaching political scandal, albeit a very sexy one. Eventually, you know, she gets her daughter back and our mustachioed friend Burt heads to the big house. Ah, justice.
Reenact your favorite moments: Well, obviously, go to a strip club. For entertainment’s sake, make it one with an absurd name. Popular choices in Miami city limits include the Booby Trap, the Pink Pony, and, apparently, Yoekris Reminders, whatever the hell that means.
4. True Lies, 1994
IMDB Tagline: “When he said I do, he never said what he did.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger possesses an unparalleled ability to insert himself into the American idiom, despite his super-thick Austrian accent. Our public will buy him in any patriotic role, including CIA agent and governor. Here, Arnold’s at his most glorious, a secret “Omega Sector” agent married to Jamie Lee Curtis and tangoing with Tia Carrere whilst simultaneously saving the country from evil dentist terrorists, as shown below:
Over the film’s course, our Arnold dispels the threats of Kazakh nuclear warheads, a Palestinian terrorist faction, a wife-stealing chancer played by Bill Paxton, and a sexy but morally bankrupt villainess played by Carrere. The whole mess climaxes in sunny Miami, where Arnold and a military cohort must thwart a terrorist convoy and save Jamie Lee from hostage-hood. As the film’s trailer suggests, all of this action is rooted in lighthearted, familiar comedy of domesticity:
American Arnold may be a super-spy, but his greatest challenge is keeping the spice in his marriage. You get the idea.
Reenact your favorite moments: Unless you’re a billionaire, it’s unlikely you’ll get access to a Harrier to fly through Miami. Why not rent a car and take a ride on the Overseas Highway? As its name suggests, it’s comprised of bridges, and it’s sure to conjure the explosive imagery of True Lies. Plus, it takes you to the Keys.
3. Married to the Mob, 1988
IMDB Tagline: “It’s the Godfather on laughing gas.”
This movie may reek of New York, but its most memorable scenes are wholly Miami. Like when a bereft Mercedes Ruehl blindly shoots up a South Beach hotel room, half-aiming for her estranged husband. While it’s nominally about Michelle Pfeiffer’s mob widow and Matthew Modine’s wussy FBI agent, Ruehl’s Connie is by far the best part. She effectively de-balls her mob boss husband, wrings the shit out of a carton of eggs, and frightens Pfeiffer at every turn. That’s why it’s so brilliant when she shows up, frizzed and fuming, in the pastel 80′s hotel suite where she believes Pfeiffer’s sleeping with her hubs.
Genius. Look at how nuts she is:
Of course, Connie is ultimately sort of unsung. Pfeiffer’s Angela gets all the credit for bringing down the mafia, as well as the new boyfriend with the safe government job.
Reenact your favorite moments: Leave the firearms home and take your mistress to a South Beach boutique hotel. If she’s game and you’re a mob boss, you guys will probably have a good time. Be sure to buy her some expensive jewelry, take your sartorial cues from 1988, and hire David Byrne to score the whole affair.
2. Wild Things, 1998
IMDB Tagline: “Sie würden für ihr Leben gern mit dir spielen! (No Risk, No Fun)”
We’ll never know why the tagline is in German, but consider it a prelude to this movie’s general strangeness. It’s impossible to enumerate the plot twists in a movie that is, essentially, about plot twists. Well, plot twists and threesomes. Suffice it to say that Denise Richards is pretty evil, Neve Campbell is really evil, Matt Dillon is also really evil, and Kevin Bacon is an idiot. If ill-conceived and convoluted plot twists aren’t really your bag, you might still enjoy the movie’s…ahem, visually stimulating qualities. Check out the trailer:
It’s a South Florida classic for paying lip service to swamp-dwellers, and its girls-in-pool scene will live on in raunchy countdown shows for eternity. Plus, there’s plenty of murdering, so it’s never boring.
Reenact your favorite moments: Make a pilgrimage to the filming location, the school with the creepiest name in history, Ransom Everglades. Or, if you don’t want to be arrested for loitering around an educational institution, charter a really awesome yachtand pretend to poison your friends as you sail into the sunset.
1. Miami Blues, 1990
IMDB Tagline: “Real badge. Real gun. Fake cop.”
Words fail this movie and its sheer awesomeness. For starters, this piece of cinematic genius features Alec Baldwin as the vaguest anti-hero ever committed to screen and Jennifer Jason Leigh as, uh, a really nice prostitute. Over the course of the film, Baldwin’s Fred Frenger (that name!) inexplicably fells Hare Krishna, enacts cop-like justice on a would-be attacker, and pretends to Robin-Hooding only to steal women’s purses. All of this action is in the name of avowed self-service, as the trailer will tell you:
The trailer doesn’t really get at how gory and sick this movie (at its best) actually is. Fortunately for the internet audience, this clip contains a lot of violence:
If you’re not clear on the essence or direction of Alec’s character, that’s really okay. It doesn’t seem like the film’s writers were, either. And really, aren’t the scariest villains the ones we just can’t understand?
Reenact your favorite moments: Head to Miami Twice to pick out a good vintage psycho outfit, preferably in suited pastels and with a matching pair of aviators. After you’ve done this, it’s best to walk around purposefully with a briefcase grinning at people. Bonus points for renting an 80′s sports car.
If you plan to visit Miami to reenact (or perhaps film) your own B-movie, be sure to save on your hotel by booking online at Hotels Cheap.
Categories: Travel Info
