Vegas Unlimited
June 3rd, 2009
Las Vegas is rapture if you’ve got money and imagination. The following list names Vegas’ most incredible and improbable, the potentialities of a limitless budget. Interested parties should start saving for their Elvis gun duel immediately…it don’t come cheap.
Make Yourself a Superhero…kind of.
It’s lesson number one in Bruce Wayne’s Facts of Life: Being a moneybags is only awesome if you turn your cash into aerodynamic outfits and total reckless abandon. Or, at the very least, scary outfits and total idiocy. Your choice.
The Mission
Winning a lot of money gambling in Vegas grants you some inalienable rights, one of which is your right to perform death-defying stunts without the requisite training and practice. You can do this because you can afford awesome equipment. Case in point is the BASE jumper’s wingsuit, the funny-looking contraption/garment that turns you into a flying squirrel. If you idolized Tanooki Suit Mario or Tails from Sonic as a kid, this is how you blow your spoils. Mind you, you might need to execute some financial maneuvers before you start gamboling off of tower rooftops. A proper wingsuit, the kind that turns you into an airborne neon superhero, costs around $1500. That’s chump change after you’ve outfoxed the whole World Poker Tour, but there’s a chance that you might need to bribe some BASE-friendly folks in order to procure references. Apparently the BASE community won’t sell equipment to any odd geezer with a million bones, on the chance that he might…die.
Unpleasantness aside, Vegas is prime territory for your transformation into Flying Squirrel Man. BASE is an acronym for Building Antenna Span Earth, so you should feel perfectly comfortable jumping off of Vegas’ Stratosphere Tower. It’s kind of a building and an antenna in one, after all. Even better, throw yourself off the Bellagio and land neatly on the ground in front of the poor bastards you just owned at poker. Refer to this instructional video for reassurance:
Difficulty: Proper difficult. Requires ingenuity, agility, proper scouting, balls of steel.
Legality: Iffy. You may or may not be considered a trespasser on certain rooftops and towers, and some people may want to arrest you upon your landing. But whatever, you can bail yourself out. Jail is the cherry on top of your BASE jumping sundae.
Cost: The wingsuit’s not going to break your new budget, but the legal fees and hospital bills might accumulate. You’d also do well to hire a film crew and a swift, nondescript getaway vehicle. Just sayin’.
Storybook Quality: Pretty much the most awe-inspiring episode of your life, even if you’re, like, a former P.O.W. and a presidential hopeful.
The Alternative
You and your friends hit up the Army-Navy and get some Ghillie suits. Those are the detritus-covered numbers that make you look like a boogey man. Use them to scare children, hide in the Rainforest Café, conjure up ‘Nam for some vets. Just make sure you go a little bigger than this young man:
Difficulty: Easy if you’re shameless.
Legality: Again, some people may want to arrest you, depending on your level of commitment.
Cost: Ghillie suits run about $150, and the Rainforest Café is a moderately priced eatery.
Storybook Quality: You can tell the story to your friends between bong rips, but you probably won’t regale your grandson with it. It’s kind of like the time I almost hit a steer on the highway.
Make Elvis Live…for a little bit.
Vegas is Vegas as we know it because it’s the King’s Vegas. You’re only experiencing the real Vegas if you have a run-in with Elvis himself. Why not orchestrate the best damn Elvis fiasco that Vegas ever saw? Vegas Elvis Vegas Vegas.
The Mission
Imagine you just won a lot of money. You want to throw the best party you possibly can, and your newly acquired budget and devil-may-care attitude afford you so, so many options. But crap! All the bands for hire in your town are shitty, and the only DJ plays that mid-noughties version of the Electric Slide in which the emcee barks instructions over a spare beat…it’s all too much to take.
You’d never run into this problem if your town had a top-notch Elvis Impersonator. Someone, say, like Eddie “E” Powers, the Best Elvis in Vegas. While Eddie’s used to putting on his Elvis suit for weddings and other formal gatherings, he might just lower his standards to accommodate your moneyed self and your scummy friends. A word to the wise: before approaching the Elvis of your choice, assess your budget and the extent of your depravity. What kinds of activities would you and your friends like to do with your Elvis? These are the questions I posed to Eddie:
- Say I just won a ton of money gambling. How much would it cost to hire you as a personal entertainer for an evening, to follow my friends and me around Vegas and sing Elvis songs to us? I’d be willing to pay extra if you’d rock an acoustic guitar.
- Have you ever performed in tandem with other Elvises? Could I hire you to front a parade of Elvises to, say, walk the strip for an hour singing Elvis songs? I think this would be a really cool spectacle for tourists and a great way to blow my winnings.
- Apparently, when people win money in Vegas, they like to go shoot guns. Would you, in theory, participate in a fully protected Duel of the Elvises? Again, remember that our theoretical budget is limitless, and that shooting another Elvis would likely make you an international YouTube superstar.
Eddie’s kind and succinct reply informed me that he’d charge $2000 to be my “personal entertainer,” $1000 to parade the strip helming an Elvis swarm, and $3000 for “shooting another Elvis while being fully protected.” He also closed his e-mail with a characteristic and satisfying “Thank you, thank you very much.” Awesome.
Difficulty: Moderate. Involves planning, access to internet. May involve coordinating some Elvis transportation. May also involve fielding some Elvis enthusiasts, hangers-on, nosy inquirers. But, quoth the King himself, “”Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand prosperity, there are a hundred that will stand adversity.”
Legality: You’re pretty much straight. Just make sure the firearms stay at the gun range and the Elvises are Kevlar’d out.
Cost: Eddie laid it all out for you. Now you just have to deal with your respective vendors, like the gun people. I hear tell that a few rounds with an automatic weapon cost about $100, so who the hell knows what they’ll charge for the Duel of the Elvises. You never know, though, they might be well into it.
Storybook Quality: Imagine the sweet smell of your YouTube video hitting all the front pages, all the major news outlets. This one’s for the ages.
The Alternative
Difficulty: Really, it can’t be that hard to find a damn devil Elvis jumpsuit at a novelty shop in Las Vegas. Easy.
Legality: Perfectly legal, unless you let Hellvis go to your head. Once that happens, I pity the poor civil servant who has to arrest you.
Cost: Like 35 bucks. Negligible. You could even buy a fleet of them for your friends if that’s what you’re into.
Storybook Quality: Very little to speak of. Pretty much any story that begins with “Dude, remember the time we bought those Elvis costumes…” is bound for dismissal.
Become a Circus Freak…temporarily.
Say you went to Vegas and won a ton of money, but didn’t see anything particularly astounding because you were cloistered in poker rooms. What to do, then, but take the advice of Paul McCartney’s Grandfather in A Hard Day’s Night and go out “Parading the streets! Trailing your coat! Bowling along! Living!” Now that you’re in the money, you’re best off parading as some sort of ostentatious circus freak. It makes sense.
The Mission
Unless you’re into serious body modification and secretly lust after Gob Bluth-style fire implants, temporary freakdom is the way to go. With your newfound financial freedom, you can become a wicked Vegas snake man. Here’s the breakdown of what you’ll need:
- One Male Lavender Albino Reticulated Python, easily obtainable from Vegas’ exotic pet boutique. Cost: $800
- One Proven Adult Male Albino Ball Python, available at same boutique. Cost: $1200
*Note: I advise fashioning one snake into a turban atop your head while necklacing the other, Slash-style.
- One Vertu Signature Cobra luxury mobile phone, diamond encrusted and purple-bejeweled with a lovely Cobra likeness. Cost: $310,000
- One pair Gucci Snakeskin Boots from Gucci at the Bellagio. Cost: $2000
- One Dodge Viper, that sports car named after a snake. Available at a Dodge dealership. Cost: $100,000, more or less. Hey, your car costs less than your cell phone! Cool!
- One Parker Fly Mojo Guitar with snakeskin decoration. Call up the Vegas Guitar Center and bitch until they find you one. It might be a little difficult since there are only 50 in existence, but imagine how sweet it’ll look slung across your back. Every snake man needs his axe. Cost: EBay says it’s going for $5000, but I suspect your guitar salesman might tack on some fees for his trouble.
- One pair reptilian contact lenses. You’re not a circus freak until it’s impossible to look you in the eye. Cost: $200
Difficulty: Not in the same vein as BASE jumping, but still really difficult, if only because it entails commitment to a very singular (reptilian) cause.
Legality: No one’s going to stop you.
Cost: Let’s see. Our itemized list adds up to $419,200. That’s a lot of money.
Storybook Quality: Um, only really valid if you’re writing the creepiest storybook ever.
The Alternative
Ever heard of Ron Bauer’s Private Studies? Do a little background research because this stuff is really weird. Ron Bauer’s magic card tricks have scary, explicit names and really vague descriptions. Through Bauer’s tutelage, you can master illusions like “Don Alan’s Sneaky Nudist Rides Again” and “Tony Chaudhuri’s Feminine Side.” From what I glean, “Nudist” apparently entails using a blank deck of cards, while “Feminine Side” is all about mortifying some dude for picking those fey red suits over the macho black ones. Bauer’s instruction packets are available at Houdini’s Magic Shop at the MGM Grand, which also sells strokes of pure genius like The Exploding Sex Report and the Jango Fett mask. In theory, you can become Vegas’ first Intergalactic Bounty Hunter/Street Illusionist. Or you can be kind of like this guy:
Difficulty: In fairness to Mr. Bauer, I haven’t attempted any of his methods. In fairness to David Blaine, his job could be really hard.
Legality: Just don’t be too pushy with the tourists. They’ve been warned about the likes of you.
Cost: The Private Studies cost between $10 and $12, while the Jango Fett mask is around $50.
Storybook Quality: Really, it all depends on your retention abilities. If you remember how to perform “Don Alan’s Sneaky Nudist Rides Again,” you can do it for your grandchildren. Maybe. So long as it’s not as nasty as it sounds.
Become a Spaceman…without leaving the Earth.
One time a homeless guy told me a funny joke for some money. He said, “What do you do if you see a spaceman?” “I don’t know,” I replied. He said, “You park, man.” In the spirit of this joke, the mission to become a spaceman has two distinct parts. The first is the expensive, Stephen Hawking-endorsed zero gravity experience, and the second is a little more interesting. Let’s take a look.
The Mission
Book a Zero Gravity Platinum Experience. You’ll get to float around, and you’ll also get a customized suit and some champagne. Zero G’s website offers some compelling insights: whilst floating, you can expect to, “see two teenagers playing catch with their father – yes, he’s the ball,” and you can also, “drink a bubble of water floating by you.” If these reports are any indication, then zero gravity is the grossest, most surreal experience you can ever hope to have in or out of Vegas. Just look at the Institutional Video:
That’s really cool and all, but it’s just a prelude to your real spaceman adventure. You know those Area 51 tours? Well, outside of Vegas there’s this road affectionately termed the “Extraterrestrial Highway,” mostly because it runs through all those desert towns full of UFO-spotting crazies and into the belly of the beast, the grounds of Area 51. The tours that run through the area are big on speculation and all-caps angry questions, like “IF THERE ARE NO ALIENS, WHY ARE THERE MEN IN BLACK PROTECTING THE PERIMETER [of Area 51]?” You can go on one of these for a good laugh, or you can be enterprising and create your own tour with your riches. Review some maps, rent a stretch Hummer, and hire this guy as your guide:
As you’ve gathered from the video, that’s Prophet Yahweh. He summons UFOs using passages from the Hebrew text of the Bible. He also thinks Prophet is his first name and not a title, like it’s akin to “Jim” rather than “Mr.” On a website advertising his spiritual guidance, there’s a headline asking if you’re “Looking for Prophet’s UFO site,” which is like the same as asking if you’re looking for Arnold’s Diner. As you might expect, Prophet is a controversial figure, an internet impresario, and a bit of a YouTube superstar. There are as many sites debunking his spiritual and UFO-seekin’ practices as there are sites advertising his services. He’s the perfect addition to your amateur spaceman operation, and I’m sure he won’t piss off the Men in Black when he starts chanting in their jurisdiction.
Difficulty: Okay, so I didn’t contact Prophet Yahweh. Whatever, that’s on you. I’ll classify this one as moderate, considering the guy is probably skint and looking for your millions. The spiritual advisor game isn’t as lucrative as it used to be.
Legality: The Men in Black are authorized to shoot to kill.
Cost: The Zero G Platinum Experience costs $8900, the Hummer rental is around $180 an hour, and Prophet Yahweh is a mystery. You could mitigate the cost by making some leaflets and taking along some tourists. Better yet, set up a website. You could parlay it into a career.
Storybook Quality: The Zero G drew the likes of Dr. Hawking, and Prophet Yahweh has been on the news. Assuming nothing really weird happens, you’ll tell the story for a good long while. However, considering the wholly strange variables, there’s a chance it could all take a turn for the legendary. Unless the Men in Black use that memory-eraser thing on you.
The Alternative
Put on your “E pluribus modem” t-shirt, eat your continental breakfast, and hit up Star Trek: The Experience. Engage in “4D” activities with Borgs and Klingons, get sloppy on the rum-filled “Warp Core Breach,” and purchase your own stuffed Tribble. If you’re skeptical, just listen to Krum:
Difficulty: Easy, warm, and friendly, like taking a nap.
Legality: I can’t attest to what will happen to you inside the Klingon Encounter. Dudes are litigious.
Cost: 45 bones for the full ride, but you can bet you’ll go home satisfied.
Storybook Quality: When I told my mom about this one, she was all, “now you’re speaking my language.” That means that you can tell your Chem teacher all about it when you get home and she’ll eat it up.
These adventures are much easier to afford when you are saving money on your hotel accommodations. Hotels Cheap is your source for great deals on Vegas hotels.
Categories: Destination Guides
