A Twin Peaks Tour of Western Washington
May 15th, 2009
Fly the family into Seattle’s Sea-Tac airport and take a voyage along the western coast of the state to experience this unique twin peaks tour.
Grab your Diane Dictaphone, lace up your saddle shoes, and get your trusty log out of storage. This tour encompasses all those unforgettable Twin Peaks icons that were the set pieces of a hilarious, wildly disturbing, and ultimately great series.
Peaks Icon: The Great Northern
Destination, Exterior Shots: The Salish Lodge, Snoqualmie
The Great Northern’s body double is the Salish Lodge, a photogenic if precarious establishment in rural Snoqualmie. If the Salish’s website is any indication, it’s imbued with a touch of the creepy decadence that was the Great Northern’s hallmark. The site asks prospective patrons, “Where else can you find a retreat nestled in the Northwest with wood-burning fireplaces and oversized whirlpool tubs in every guest room? Will life ever be the same after you’ve crawled into your featherbed and selected from the pillow menu a perfect cradle on which to lay your head?” We applaud the effort, but we think a stay at the Great Northern might not be life-altering for the featherbeds. And while we’re not sure what a pillow menu is, it’s safe to assume that all those businessmen appreciated the freedom of choice. Also, nice grammar, guys.
Destination, Interior Shots: The Kiana Lodge, Poulsbo
The Kiana’s slogan is “a true taste of the Northwest,” and its walls still display the epic painted paneling of Ben Horne’s den of iniquity. Enticements to visit are plentiful, according to the site: “During your stay you can swim in the zero-entry pool, take a reflective stroll through the Native Art Gallery and pamper yourself in their full-service Angeline Spa.” Native Art Gallery, eh Kiana? Have you got Jerry Horne in his relic glasses hiding in a utility closet? Johnny in a headdress assaulting a doll house in one of your guest suites? Audrey, anywhere, being awesome and freaking out Norwegians? A Ben Horne figure sitting atop a wobbly monument to his own craziness? While we understand that these businesses are legitimate and functioning, we think their viability will only increase in proportion with their embracing of their Twin Peaks heritage. Who among us wouldn’t want to stay an acid-trippy night in a reproduced Great Northern? Oh, what dreams would come.
On that note, let’s relive one of the GN’s finest moments. Ladies and Gentlemen, Benjamin Horne and his inspired Civil War delusion:
Peaks Icon: The Double R Diner
Destination: Twede’s Café, North Bend
Of all the attractions on this list, Twede’s is the most devoted to its Twin Peaks traditions. A mural of the “Welcome to Twin Peaks” sign adorns the building’s side, and the restaurant appeals to its devoted base with invitations for cherry pie and black coffee. Some patrons even report that the servers are Shelley and Norma-esque. Order the Cooper special or sample one of the many beef patty-based concoctions. Through the miracle of Internet menus, we now know what sustained the Double R’s regulars all those years ago. It was “Burgers from A-Z,” and the letter T burger is the Twin Peaks special. Twede’s is by far your best bet for kitschy Lynchiness, and the waitresses won’t brutalize you if you feel the need to announce your affection for your “damn fine cup of coffee.” They understand you’re just paying tribute to a deserving idol, one of television’s all-star B.A.M.F.s, this guy:
Peaks Icon: The Roadhouse
Destination: The Falls City Roadhouse
This Snoqualmie Valley establishment has undergone a series of Peaks-related changes, most notably a reversion to its proper name. Thing is, it’s a really nice restaurant and barely resembles the nightlife epicenter of the strangest little town in the Northwest. We don’t think Bobby Briggs ate Grand Marnier French Toast at the Roadhouse, nor do we think Ed and Norma kindled their clandestine affair over Edamame Hummus and Duck Confit. If, though, you’d like an excuse to eat a gourmet meal whilst doing something undeniably Peaksy, the Roadhouse is your place.
Pro tip: if you want to freak out your fellow diners at the Roadhouse, make like Audrey at the Double R:
Peaks Icon: Laura’s Beach
Destination: Snoqualmie Falls
Laura’s rocky resting place is, in reality, located just down river from the Great Northern. Well, at least, we think “down river” is the correct way to describe the position of the beach at the bottom of the 268-foot falls. Those falls are one of Washington’s most popular vistas, inspiring Lynchophiles and laymen alike with their majesty. Laura’s iconic blue-girl-in-body bag shots were staged near a large piece of driftwood at falls’ end that remains in its place today. Fanatics refer to it as “Laura’s Log,” and presumably you can too.
Speaking of fanatics, you might want to prepare for your TP tour by delving into the bowels of the Peaks Webiverse. That means reading Laura’s “diary” here.
Through its powerful tutelage, we learn that Laura resented her Homecoming Queen title, that she meditated on the subject of Killer BOB with alarming frequency, and that she believed that James Hurley would lead her out of the darkness.
Oh, James:
Peaks Icon: The Packard Mill
Destination: Forks, WA
Remember how frigging weird the Packard mill was? You had mean-ass Catherine, affable Pete, and sybaritic Josie, all entwined in the classical web of deception. Plus, you know, logging is alien and scary to most of us. Why not go and witness the sublime first-hand on a legit logging tour? The Forks, Washington (home of teeny tome Twilight!), Visitor Center offers free mill and forest tours to groups of twelve people on a thrice-weekly basis. The tours depart from the Forks Visitor Center every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 9 a.m., but unfortunately they’re seasonal and suspended until the spring.
Tour participants rove through an updated logging facility, its surrounding replenished forest, and, most interestingly, through the oft-rocky history of the timber industry. And, as you may have guessed, the burgeoning future has been none too kind to the ol’ lumberjacks. Refer to this diatribe excerpt from an article on the tours: “Computers now run nearly everything at the mill,’ Yanish said.” Doesn’t that sound vaguely sinister, like a Texas Chainsaw-style stance on technology? It’s like logging is a stand-in for animal slaughter and dude is going to send you and your IPhone through the machinery. Or maybe we’re just expressing a healthy amount of dementophobia.
The moral of the story is: chance the logging tour, tread lightly, and leave your handheld devices in their respective holsters. You could end up in a Packard-style ‘splosion:
We leave you with this image of a junior Log Lady, the head officer of the Log Lady fan club, or perhaps the ol’ LL herself before she, um, got old. And back when she was still kinky, by the looks of it. The two-timing slag.
Let that one sink in, and long live David Lynch.
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Categories: Destination Guides
